Here are the pictures...Proof of this little life

Here are 2 tests - untouched...

They are harder to see in this pic than they are IRL.Here are the tests but I changed the contrast/brightness so you could see them a bit easier...

Here they are (untouched) just from a different angle and without the flash. This is easier to see...

Has anyone ever used FRER and ever seen evap lines that look like this? I don't know why I'm asking. Please humor me. When I took one of the tests again today with Scott home, I told him within 1 minute it looked like there was a light positive and he agreed. It doesn't look any darker or lighter after sitting all day. It looks like the test I took this a.m. and the lines are in EXACTLY the same place!

Is there ANY way this could be wrong???

I'm just not sure what to think because when I had the m/c Nov '02, I didn't get a + as early as I did with Macie (and subsequently, not as early as with Wyatt either) and I made it past 14 dpo (I was more around 18/19 dpo) before bleeding. I did have labs drawn and they were very low (like an hcg of 24) and they said if I was bleeding there was nothing to do but wait.

Just this afternoon, I went from feeling "normal" to feeling kind of crampy. I noticed it more when Jess was laying on my belly and then it's continued like that ever since. It isn't strong just "achy". Not exactly like menstrual cramps but my uterus feels "full" if that makes any sense. It felt when I was napping, like the cyst got more and more painful so I don't know if it ruptured or what??? I know every other time I've had one rupture, that fluid in the peritoneal cavity can cause cramping for several weeks after.

I also forgot to mention that the last 4-5 days I've been peeing like a horse. I go ALL the time! It is ridiculous. It didn't dawn on me the irony of it until yesterday. With all my kids, I peed constantly before I ever even knew I was pg. It was crazy!

I know I'm really concerned about another m/c too. I asked Scott not to tell anyone yet because I want to know if this is going to make it or not. After the m/c we had, he told EVERYONE and the word got out FAST. We lost the baby so quickly that it was very painful to have people come up and ask how I was feeling when there was no baby there. I don't think I can go through that again.

Ever since telling him this morning, he has done ok. He got a little short-tempered with Baileigh after church but it was legitimate, I've just never seen him react quite that quickly.

I think he is stressed but he doesn't want to tell me he is. He's been really sweet and when I started getting emotional at church (no one was around in the sanctuary...so I pulled out the envelope and as he was looking at them I said "You might not be able to see the lines like that because they are light" and without even taking them out he said "Nope. I can see them." I started tearing up and he said "It's ok. It's ok." But laughingly said "I'm not ready for this". I don't feel ready either but you take what the Lord gives you. I know it is scary in the moment but in hindsight you can honor God's sovereignty and how perfect His plan was/is. Right now, this is just all very fresh. It was so good to be in church today. I really felt God's comfort and I couldn't believe how incredible the song choices were. It was like they had been picked for me today and they ministered to my heart so much!! This song specifically, by Tommy Walker, was so absolutely what I needed to be reminded of that I can't help but weep just thinking of it!!

We will remember
We will remember
We will remember the works of your hand
We will stop and give you praise
For great is thy faithfulness.

You’re our Creator
Our life Sustainer
Deliverer, our Comfort, our Joy
Throughout the ages
You’ve been our shelter
Our peace in the midst of the storm.

With signs and wonders
You’ve shown your powers
With precious blood, you showed us your grace
You’ve been our Helper
Our Liberator
The giver of life with no end.

We will remember
We will remember
We will remember the works of your hand
We will stop and give you praise
For great is thy faithfulness.

When we walk through life darkest valley
We will look back at all you have done
And we will we shout “Our God is good and He is the faithful one!”
Hallelujah, hallelujah to the one from whom all blessings flow
Hallelujah, hallelujah to the one whose glory has been shown.

We will remember
We will remember
We will remember the works of your hand
We will stop and give you praise
For great is thy faithfulness.

I still remember
The day you saved me
The day I heard you call out my name
You said you loved me, would never leave me
And I’ve never been the same!

We will remember
We will remember
We will remember the works of your hand
We will stop and give you praise
For great is your faithfulness.

I am trying to focus on God's promises right now and not on my own fear so I feel like it is better to type it all out here than to voice it by speaking it out myself.

I admit that I'm worried about what Scott will do if I start bleeding. Will he find it a relief and then double up on BC because he wants to ensure we never have another "surprise" or will this soften his heart and make him willing to discuss it? I know it is a lot of "what-ifs" and I'm sorry to keep rambling. I really need somewhere where I can journal my thoughts and feelings and fears because I need to get it out. We haven't had ANY chance to talk about this today. He was singing in choir and I had to work the Mom to Mom kiosk and then afterwards we ran out of church with the kids (driving separately) and ate really fast because I had a meeting at church from 1:30 - 4pm that I forgot about. I got home around 4:30 and he left a little while ago to take food to his parents (his dad had hernia surgery last week) and Macie is going to spend the night so all the kids went. I took a little nap because I am physically and emotionally drained and woke up not long before they left. I'm dying to hear him talk to me about this. I want to know what he is thinking but a part of me is so afraid to. :*(

This whole day has just been so strange... All I want to do is cry. I'm so super sensitive right now. I just don't know what to think. My thoughts are disjointed and I don't feel like I'm making much sense.

I don't want to worry anybody...I will absolutely LOVE another precious life in our family...it just wasn't the timing I had imagined.

Please bear with me and than you so much again for all your kind words of hope, encouragement and ministering to me through your prayers and the wisdom of God. That has done me more good than anything. *HUG*