Life isn't about how many people you know, what you can attain or other vain pursuits.
It is about opening your heart to love someone,
opening your eyes and hands to the needs of others and
opening your soul to The One who created you.

Life is about growing and changing.
Every day is a new opportunity to stretch yourself and
choose a little better than you did the day before.

There will be mountains of rejoicing and valleys of sorrow
and everyone must walk their own path, no two are the same.
But we are blessed when there are those
who will take us by the hand and walk beside us.

No matter how dark or lonely our walk becomes,
we can look with anticipation and hope
because we are directed and lovingly guided
by the hands of our Heavenly Father through this sacred journey.
And one day, if we prove faithful, we will receive the ultimate reward.

~ Jeannie Isaacs



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Saturday, August 23, 2008

The 4-1-1 on my "crisis" ;)

OK. First of all...Heather (and anyone else that is interested) I updated my FF page to include my pg chart with Jess. I didn't get a + until 4 days after I think implantation took place. I tested at 9 dpo because I didn't feel right and I *KNEW* somehow, that something wasn't right. I was nauseated and dizzy just a few days after I ovulated which was NOT me at all. However, when I tested at 9 dpo, I got a -. I tried again later but might have gotten a + sooner than I did had I given it a chance. I didn't test any earlier because I honestly didn't think I was pg (we were preventing). I tested at 14 dpo because my temp went UP instead of DOWN. *Hmmmm*

I ended up telling Scott when he got home. He was an angel and went out and bought some tests. Of course he bought DIGITALS which I cannot STAND this early because you have to try and crack the suckers open to analyze the strip! ROFL Anyway, I'm going to bed here soon and will see what my temp does in the morning. I'm really still kind of freaked out. I've kept myself busy all day but I'm an emotional basket case. Scott was sweet and when I was crying he just kept saying "It's ok. If you're pg there isn't anything that can be done about it so there's no point in getting upset..." I just can't stop. If I think about it too much I get emotional and I realize why.

On one hand - I have been PRAYING for another baby. I truly believe we were meant to have one more. I would be so thrilled to have another little one in our home. Well, once the shock wore off. ;)

On the other hand - I've been trying to lose weight and the last time I was trying (and making good progress) I ended up pg unexpectedly. I ended up gaining 60 lbs and have had trouble getting the majority of it off ever since. I can't imagine the struggle it would be to do this again. Our house is a total disaster. Like SERIOUSLY! We've moved a bunch of things around because we've been painting, we STILL have flooring that needs to be laid and a TON of de-cluttering and organizing... Every time I ask Scott if we can work together on a specific day he says "Yes" and then when the day comes SOMETHING comes up. :( It is incredibly frustrating. I feel like I'm living in total chaos right now and for as many times as I've organized and cleaned this house top to bottom (inside and out) I'm ready for some help. I'm worn out. I think I'm going to get that help and then I don't. It is emotionally and physically defeating. Having a baby right now would just complicate things BIG TIME... I usually end up with SOME kind of health issue. Placenta Previa, Subchorionic Separation...whatever it is, it usually prevents me from doing any housework and physical activity so that wouldn't be the best for my health OR an unborn baby.

But then again, I know that if I am not pg, I am going to be sad because probably the ONLY way we will ever have another baby is if I get pg by God's hand and He intervenes big time. Scott KNOWS I will not conceive behind his back but the option to have another baby isn't even in the talking stages at this point.

It is SO frustrating to be at a point where you want something SO bad but you question the timing and if it is really the best or if it would significantly complicate things. I know that God's ways are higher than ours and I was so shocked when we got pg with Jess, but I love him so much I'd never wish it any other way. Even having tons of weight to lose and everything else - I am so thrilled to have him in our family. I've done this before and if I must, I will do it again - I just have to be honest in saying I wish I had more time to have my life set in place before we were surprised with another little blessing.

Please pray for me and that God will comfort my heart regardless of how this turns out. If I am pg, I know I'm going to have a LOT of anxiousness to turn over to the Lord and if I am NOT pg, I'm going to have a little grieving to do. It feels so odd to know that my emotions are so dependant on where this goes.

I don't feel like there really is a win-win either way at this point but I know in my heart that whatever God does is a positive. Whatever happens I will be a little sad, a little disappointed and perhaps a little relieved. It is very, very strange.

Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement. They mean an awful lot.

*Hugs*
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