No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself
and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered
as to which may be the true.
~ Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
Do you ever just get sick to DEATH of settling for less than what God wants for you and not reaching for something better? What does it take to finally make the changes that LAST and don't grind to a halt once everything feels like it's better again or at the sign of the first obstacle? I struggle to move past the same mistakes I've made over and over again, into a place of real change.
> I want better for myself. I want to be healthy, yet I reach for the same unhealthy food over and over again and don't exercise.
> I want to be more organized, yet I don't create the systems I know will work.
> I want my day to be more streamlined so I can get more accomplished, but I consistently do things the same way over and over again so I'm left feeling endlessly behind.
I have recognized that my biggest problem is ME! My largest issue isn't that I CANNOT make these changes, it is that I WOULD NOT. It's not that INABILITY - it's the UNWILLINGNESS!
Have I been scared? HECK YES!!!!
- I have been afraid that if I try to get healthy again, I will screw up and at the first big mistake I will throw up my hands, give up and go back to what I've been doing for the last few years. I'm afraid that if I am a success and I'm not recognized by those I love for my success, I will not feel worthy. It will cause me to question if I was even lovable to begin with.
- I have been fearful that if I begin to become organized, all the hard work I put into it will not be appreciated by others and it will be undone by them. I am admittedly OCD and when things aren't put back exactly as I had it - it upsets me immensely. Trying to hold that in creates so much anxiety for me but I know that coming down on others just creates turmoil and hurts them in a way they don't deserve. When I work hard to organize things and others don't honor it, I feel that they don't honor me as a person and it makes me feel unloved and unappreciated. If I simply avoid organizing it to begin with - I feel less devalued but I'm still left feeling unhappy because it still sits there unorganized.
- I'm fearful that if I try to create a more streamlined day and I blow it, I will feel like a failure. I won't get the things accomplished that I so desperately want to. I will continue to not get things done that I really want to mark off my ongoing lists.
???What am I really learning from all of this insanity???
I HAVE to be ok with making mistakes. They are part of life. I must learn from them, grow from them and if I need to, grieve them. Do it at that moment and then pick myself up and MOVE PAST THEM! To allow my mistakes to prohibit me from reaching my potential, achieving my purpose, accomplishing my goals...THAT is the ultimate failure! The success is in screwing up, recognizing it and then going back at it again. Not getting hung up on what you did wrong and coming to a screeching halt. That is where I have failed so many times in the past. But not this time.
I am learning to let go of the little voices in my head that keep screaming "You're a failure!", "You aren't worthy!", "You don't deserve this!", "You aren't lovable!", "You can't succeed!", "You'll just screw it up AGAIN!" and I'm replacing them with new voices. "I'm NOT a failure!", "I'm worthy in God's eyes so I'm worthy!", "I don't deserve this but thanks to God, I have the opportunity to do this!", "I am loved by God!", "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength!", "I know I'll screw up again but God forgives and He will help me get back up again and keep going." These new voices and new thoughts are what keep me going. Squelching the negative thoughts are imperative to me moving forward!!
Beginning is easy. It always has been. Finishing is hard, but that is where the sweetest reward lies. If I want to get there - I have to embrace all the junk, the mistakes and the mess that lies between me and the end of this. I'm going to fall. I'm going to scrape the crap out of myself, but I'm determined to do this. By the grace of God, I will.
One week down, a lifetime to go!
and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered
as to which may be the true.
Do you ever just get sick to DEATH of settling for less than what God wants for you and not reaching for something better? What does it take to finally make the changes that LAST and don't grind to a halt once everything feels like it's better again or at the sign of the first obstacle? I struggle to move past the same mistakes I've made over and over again, into a place of real change.
> I want better for myself. I want to be healthy, yet I reach for the same unhealthy food over and over again and don't exercise.
> I want to be more organized, yet I don't create the systems I know will work.
> I want my day to be more streamlined so I can get more accomplished, but I consistently do things the same way over and over again so I'm left feeling endlessly behind.
I have recognized that my biggest problem is ME! My largest issue isn't that I CANNOT make these changes, it is that I WOULD NOT. It's not that INABILITY - it's the UNWILLINGNESS!
Have I been scared? HECK YES!!!!
- I have been afraid that if I try to get healthy again, I will screw up and at the first big mistake I will throw up my hands, give up and go back to what I've been doing for the last few years. I'm afraid that if I am a success and I'm not recognized by those I love for my success, I will not feel worthy. It will cause me to question if I was even lovable to begin with.
- I have been fearful that if I begin to become organized, all the hard work I put into it will not be appreciated by others and it will be undone by them. I am admittedly OCD and when things aren't put back exactly as I had it - it upsets me immensely. Trying to hold that in creates so much anxiety for me but I know that coming down on others just creates turmoil and hurts them in a way they don't deserve. When I work hard to organize things and others don't honor it, I feel that they don't honor me as a person and it makes me feel unloved and unappreciated. If I simply avoid organizing it to begin with - I feel less devalued but I'm still left feeling unhappy because it still sits there unorganized.
- I'm fearful that if I try to create a more streamlined day and I blow it, I will feel like a failure. I won't get the things accomplished that I so desperately want to. I will continue to not get things done that I really want to mark off my ongoing lists.
???What am I really learning from all of this insanity???
I HAVE to be ok with making mistakes. They are part of life. I must learn from them, grow from them and if I need to, grieve them. Do it at that moment and then pick myself up and MOVE PAST THEM! To allow my mistakes to prohibit me from reaching my potential, achieving my purpose, accomplishing my goals...THAT is the ultimate failure! The success is in screwing up, recognizing it and then going back at it again. Not getting hung up on what you did wrong and coming to a screeching halt. That is where I have failed so many times in the past. But not this time.
I am learning to let go of the little voices in my head that keep screaming "You're a failure!", "You aren't worthy!", "You don't deserve this!", "You aren't lovable!", "You can't succeed!", "You'll just screw it up AGAIN!" and I'm replacing them with new voices. "I'm NOT a failure!", "I'm worthy in God's eyes so I'm worthy!", "I don't deserve this but thanks to God, I have the opportunity to do this!", "I am loved by God!", "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength!", "I know I'll screw up again but God forgives and He will help me get back up again and keep going." These new voices and new thoughts are what keep me going. Squelching the negative thoughts are imperative to me moving forward!!
Beginning is easy. It always has been. Finishing is hard, but that is where the sweetest reward lies. If I want to get there - I have to embrace all the junk, the mistakes and the mess that lies between me and the end of this. I'm going to fall. I'm going to scrape the crap out of myself, but I'm determined to do this. By the grace of God, I will.
One week down, a lifetime to go!
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