It feels good to unburden my heart of all the thoughts and emotions that have been swirling and bumping around in my head. I wish I had the opportunity to sit and type all this out days ago but since I didn't, I will be grateful for the moment - even if it is almost 2 in the morning...
I'm doing so-so with our recent loss. Not horrible but not great either. I'm not sure whether I'm alright with feeling like this yet or if it is the calm before the storm. It feels very surreal still. I'm battling with a little emotion here and there because of so many things that have happened in the last few weeks... Two weeks ago, Wyatt was coloring and drawing pictures. He brought me a picture and said "Look Mom! I drew a picture of our family!" There were 7 of us. Two bigger people (Scott and me) 4 middle people and 1 small person. I didn't recognize the significance at the time and figured he just lost count. The other day, I turned his picture over from where it was hanging on the fridge and saw the 7th person. Somehow my kids have known even though they didn't "KNOW"... More on that later.
I've had 3 good friends deliver babies in the last week and a half. 2 boys, 1 girl. I'm thrilled to death for them and didn't feel a bit of remorse or self-pity when I heard their little ones had arrived. I took a meal to one of our friends last Monday (a week ago) when their baby was just 5 days old. Ginny was all too comfortable handing Jordan over to me and I really enjoyed having such awesome baby time. Steve and Gin sat and ate dinner while Jesse (their 5 year old and Wyatt's best little buddy) played. I just sat and talked with them and held that precious little bundle. Jesse came up to me and since his mom had just been in the hospital (cesarean since baby was breech) he was full of ideas on illness and questioned me thoroughly on any of my past, present and future diseases or medical conditions. He informed me he was a Doctor that takes babies out when they are feet down, head up and Ginny gently told Jesse to go and play and that "Mrs. Isaacs doesn't have a baby in her belly." You don't know how badly I wanted to say "Yes, I do!" I wanted SO much to validate the life that was forming inside me while I knew that it probably wouldn't make it. But the emotion I was trying SO hard to hold back wouldn't allow me to open my mouth. I said nothing so that I wouldn't have to explain. Either way it hurt. They wanted to enjoy the celebration of their daughter's birth. I didn't want to spoil it by sharing my concern and fears. They would have understood but I just couldn't. There was a part of me that didn't want to give Jordan up when I had to leave but another part of me couldn't wait to get out of there. I cried all the way home.
When I took the test late last week that proved the baby didn't make it, Scott came home in the middle of the day to get something. For awhile, I didn't tell him but a moment presented itself and I knew he was going upstairs and would probably see it since I left it on the bathroom counter. I told him very matter-of-factly and it felt odd to be holding it all together. I thought I would be ok. Then he came over to me and simply said in his quiet, concerned voice "Are you okay?" and I broke down. I told him that for as relieved as I was on one hand, I was so incredibly sad that one of our children wouldn't be here with us. He just held me and let me cry. I was afraid to go on too long because the kids didn't know and I didn't want them to worry.
Baileigh wanted to celebrate her birthday this weekend and we'd postponed it for many reasons. Her birthday is the end of April but she dances on Saturdays and that time of year picks up with practices for recital so she prefers to wait until after recital (early June) before having a party with her friends. This year, so much went on this summer or friends she wanted to come couldn't at the same time, so finally this weekend worked out. She was upset Saturday because she wanted me to go with them but I wasn't feeling really great. I told her Daddy would have to go and she had a meltdown. I finally told her why I wasn't going and what had happened (by then we knew the pg didn't make it) and she misunderstood. She started to get a smile on her face that she tried to stifle and said "So...you're gonna have a baby?" and I said "No..." and explained it again. The smile faded pretty fast. Baileigh was always vocal about not wanting to have any more brothers or sisters if we said anything. She is the oldest and there is such an age gap that she feels singled out sometimes. It seemed to me that she was rather excited at the thought when it was more of a reality, but I haven't talked any more to her to find out.
This morning, Macie was laying in bed with me - just the two of us. One minute we were talking about her friends and spending the night with my parents and the next minute she throws out "I wish we had another baby". I said "Why would you say that?" She said "I don't know - I just wish we did". I said "If you could pick, would you want Mommy and Daddy to have another baby?" She said "Yes". She hasn't said anything since Jessamy was around 8 months old about us having another baby and it needing to be a girl. I thought she was over it....???
Sunday morning, a friend of mine was performing in the drama after the sermon. She lost a baby about 3 1/2 - 4 months ago and they have 4 children who are Macie's age and younger. I had this strange feeling come over me and I leaned over to Scott and said "I have this feeling that Jenn is pregnant!" We were getting ready to leave when some friends of ours stopped us and as we were standing there talking, Jenn came over and quietly said in my ear "We are pregnant again!" I was SO happy for her because I know the pain of that kind of loss, especially when you are trying for a baby and you want another. Getting pregnant after the loss can be healing in itself. What do you do though when you don't know what you want? It is a tough position to be in because on one hand your heart doesn't want to end on a loss. On the other hand, if you don't know whether you are ready for another baby or if you even really WANT another baby (because Lord knows I am confused right now about whether I do or don't) than what do you do to move on from here? It seems so sad to just go on with life after something like this.
I mentioned last week that I knew why this didn't last. It is because of this ovarian cyst.
I went to an Reproductive Endocrinologist (Dr. Moghadam) the end of June and told him then that I knew I had a cyst on my left ovary. He scanned me and (because he was a haughty, obnoxious, jerk) told me that very few of his patients could EVER feel a cyst smaller than 3 cms (mine was 1 1/2) and that he believed it was a corpus luteum cyst (the cyst that develops after an egg is released). He said he thought I'd start my period in the next day or two. 5 days later, I had breakthrough bleeding. I know it was breakthrough because I didn't start my cycle at day 31 - 35 like I would with my other cycles. It was cd 48 before I started temping and here I sit at day 70 with NO sign of anything. :( My left ovary has been hurting off and on for weeks and with a screwed up cycle, it presents problems.
When I had the u/s over 2 months ago, my endometrial lining wasn't good. I believe he said it was about 3mm. Good endometrial lining is 10-12mm. Yeah. Mine sucked. Of course, I wasn't planning on getting pg and we weren't even TRYING for heaven's sake. Had I known and had I been taking my Progesterone (which would have avoided a cyst AND would have plumped up my lining) I would PROBABLY not be sitting here in this position. First, I might not have gotten pg at all and second, if I HAD gotten pg, this would have done a better job at promoting a more positive outcome. I haven't ordered all my supplements (I've been skipping some) lately because they were so expensive and we needed the money for other things. Yeah. I'm not skipping the Progesterone anymore... :(
I also know that because of this cyst, I'm not starting AF. My temp went WAY up again a few days ago! If this cyst would rupture or if I could have some breakthrough bleeding then I could start Progesterone and I would take it like I usually do to shrink a cyst (use cd 5-25) for 3 months. That would do it. Things aren't going to start when my temp rises like that. This just continues to drag on and on. If it would just be over with - that would be the end of it. I think I finally kind of feel like this is over with. Right now, I still feel like I'm in limbo and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not a good feeling.
It has been difficult too because Scott and I really haven't had any time to talk about this. I will NOT talk about it in front of the kids and I know he needs time to process things. To be honest, I did too. I prayed this situation would make more clear to me, what I was feeling and what I wanted. If anything, I think I feel more confused than I did before.... Are we meant to have another baby? Did God use this situation to try and work on Scott's heart or my own???? I have about a billion questions that may never be answered this side of heaven but I sincerely pray that God will open my eyes and Scott's eyes, to His will for our family and that we can truly embrace it wholeheartedly.
Baileigh's birthday lasted all weekend (Sat and Sun) with kids spending the night, Sunday church and lunch and hanging out at the mall. I'll post about her party separately later but needless to say...I spent all of Saturday cleaning before kids arrived and then while they were gone (and I felt like crap) I continued cleaning. I got a TON of stuff done and I felt better about chilling out today and doing NOTHING! We had to cancel our sitter for Saturday but she is coming THIS Saturday. I'm hoping Scott and I can talk a little bit then about all this. I need to at least lay my heart out there. I think I will save it for when we are on our way home because if I get emotional, I don't want to be out all night looking horrendous and being a total mess... lol It sounds vain but I also want to enjoy our time out and away from everything we've experienced the last few weeks. It has been really hard for me to not feel like I was kind of going through this alone. I know life has been busy and Scott tried to support and help in various ways but emotionally - I have felt more alone than I'd like. I don't know what Scott is thinking, what he is feeling, what he wants for our future...nada. I'm praying that by the end of this week, I have a lot better idea about that.
I'm physically tired but I needed to journal this and get it out. I have a lot to do this week and I knew I probably wouldn't have time. I've been doing laundry all weekend (with more to go) and keeping on top of the cleaning I've already done. I just registered for Flylady.com and decided Wednesday and Sunday nights will be our family pick up day. We will use that to get all our own stuff gone through - whether we put it in piles or have it laying around - we will have to go through it, sort it and organize it/put it away. We have 10 days until our first Mom to Mom meeting this year and I lead that ministry at our church. I have name tags to make, rosters to finish, newsletter articles to write and submit, emails to send and phone calls to make, details to finalize and projects to complete. On top of that, we have our neighborhood garage sale this Saturday and we're dragging out a lot of home decor, kids clothes, toys and furniture (including baby stuff) to get rid of. It is hard to see the baby stuff go but I think I need to let go of it to see how I feel. These are things that can always be bought again down the road but honestly, I just think I need a chance for my subconscious to experience letting go of the dream so that I can finally determine if I will have my questions answered and if so - will I be at peace.....FINALLY or will it bring me heartache? I do know that I am ready to find out.
I'm cleaning out toys from the boys room for the garage sale and I'm doing a major overhaul on their closet again. It isn't horrible but there is a lot to get rid of (clothes, books, etc.) and organizing to do so I'm doing that tomorrow while Wyatt has a friend over to play. Tomorrow night, Baileigh has her first dance class of the season and while I'm gone, Scott agreed to take down the crib. I got pictures of it and will treasure them. All my babies slept in that crib in the last 12 1/2 years. I have decided it is OK to sell the crib and dresser. Even taking it out of the house will be a big step for me. I'm selling the pack 'n play, the highchair, the bouncy seat, the baby swing, the stroller/carseat combo... ALL of it! I'm just praying for God's peace and comfort come Saturday morning when strangers start carting off my memories.
Thursday morning I'm going to help Ginny out for awhile. My parents are taking Macie to this Belgium Horse Show at the fairgrounds, lunch and then back to their house. Baileigh can stay here for awhile and help with Jessamy and do a little school. Ginny is having some bleeding from her cesarean wound and her Dr said she can only hold the baby to nurse her so Steve asked for help from anyone. I volunteered to go help with Little Miss on Thursday. I can take Wyatt and he'll keep Jesse busy (their son). I'm kind of interested to see how I feel about everything then and how I handle it all emotionally. I'm sure Ginny and I will talk alot so I'm sure that will keep my brain a little busy too. It could be very healing for me to have a little person to snuggle. More than anything, when I saw her last week, the whole thing just felt strange...like I didn't know how or what to feel. Of course, I didn't know then for certain WHAT was going to happen. I just knew I was pregnant and the tests weren't too dark. Now that things are concrete - I don't know how that will change things for me. I don't have a foreboding feeling that it will be really bad though... Prayerfully, it will be a welcome respite for my aching heart.
I will say that for now, my goals are simple.
* Focus on my relationship with the Lord and encourage Scott in his relationship with God as
well
* Be diligent about my time with God and my study of Him
* Continue to eat healthy and take my supplements
* Get plenty of sleep at night (not including tonight...lol)
* Continue moving forward with purging and organizing my home
* Continue exercising by walking an hour every day and strength training 3 times a week
I know all these things are an important part of me becoming more emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy if I want to gain any benefit from this situation at all. Right now, I am finding solace, peace and encouragement from Isaiah 55. Isaiah - one of my FAVORITE books of the Bible!!! I love verses 3-5, 10-11 and 13. Verse 13 just reminds me that if the soil in my life and heart is fertile then the seed He sows will bring forth incredible fruit that might not have grown there in times past because of my lack of faith or maturity. I know that no matter what the situation - God's will MUST be done in and through my life because that is what I want and that is what HE wants. All in His perfect time, I will have a testimony from this experience.
1 “Is anyone thirsty?
Come and drink—
even if you have no money!
Come, take your choice of wine or milk—
it’s all free!
2 Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?
Why pay for food that does you no good?
Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.
You will enjoy the finest food.
3 “Come to me with your ears wide open.
Listen, and you will find life.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you.
I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David.
4 See how I used him to display my power among the peoples.
I made him a leader among the nations.
5 You also will command nations you do not know,
and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey,
because I, the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious.”
6 Seek the Lord while you can find him.
Call on him now while he is near.
7 Let the wicked change their ways
and banish the very thought of doing wrong.
Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them.
Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously.
8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
10 “The rain and snow come down from the heavens
and stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
producing seed for the farmer
and bread for the hungry.
11 It is the same with my word.
I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
12 You will live in joy and peace.
The mountains and hills will burst into song,
and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
13 Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.
These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name;
they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”
I desperately covet your thoughts. If and when you think of me in the coming days will you pray for me? Please pray that God's will be done in my life and in Scott's as we seek the Lord's guidance and direction. Pray that the seeds God sows will be watered and tended to bring about the fruit He desires in our lives. Ask the Lord to heal my body, to allow my cycle to start so that I can begin taking my Progesterone cream for the majority of my cycle in order to help shrink this cyst and get back on track again. Finally, pray that God will bring peace and comfort into my heart and incredible clarity into my head so that I will know beyond ALL doubt, what God's desires are for my life and where it is that He wants me to go. More than anything else - I want to be at peace with God's plan. You cannot have true peace when your mind is spinning and there is confusion about the future.
Thank you so much girls, for your words of wisdom, comfort, peace, love and kindness. It has ministered to my grieving heart in a way I cannot express. I love you all for compassion and for being such a wonderful friend to me. For those I don't know face to face, I pray that one day God gives me the opportunity to meet you. If not this side of heaven, perhaps the other. ~*~
I'm doing so-so with our recent loss. Not horrible but not great either. I'm not sure whether I'm alright with feeling like this yet or if it is the calm before the storm. It feels very surreal still. I'm battling with a little emotion here and there because of so many things that have happened in the last few weeks... Two weeks ago, Wyatt was coloring and drawing pictures. He brought me a picture and said "Look Mom! I drew a picture of our family!" There were 7 of us. Two bigger people (Scott and me) 4 middle people and 1 small person. I didn't recognize the significance at the time and figured he just lost count. The other day, I turned his picture over from where it was hanging on the fridge and saw the 7th person. Somehow my kids have known even though they didn't "KNOW"... More on that later.
I've had 3 good friends deliver babies in the last week and a half. 2 boys, 1 girl. I'm thrilled to death for them and didn't feel a bit of remorse or self-pity when I heard their little ones had arrived. I took a meal to one of our friends last Monday (a week ago) when their baby was just 5 days old. Ginny was all too comfortable handing Jordan over to me and I really enjoyed having such awesome baby time. Steve and Gin sat and ate dinner while Jesse (their 5 year old and Wyatt's best little buddy) played. I just sat and talked with them and held that precious little bundle. Jesse came up to me and since his mom had just been in the hospital (cesarean since baby was breech) he was full of ideas on illness and questioned me thoroughly on any of my past, present and future diseases or medical conditions. He informed me he was a Doctor that takes babies out when they are feet down, head up and Ginny gently told Jesse to go and play and that "Mrs. Isaacs doesn't have a baby in her belly." You don't know how badly I wanted to say "Yes, I do!" I wanted SO much to validate the life that was forming inside me while I knew that it probably wouldn't make it. But the emotion I was trying SO hard to hold back wouldn't allow me to open my mouth. I said nothing so that I wouldn't have to explain. Either way it hurt. They wanted to enjoy the celebration of their daughter's birth. I didn't want to spoil it by sharing my concern and fears. They would have understood but I just couldn't. There was a part of me that didn't want to give Jordan up when I had to leave but another part of me couldn't wait to get out of there. I cried all the way home.
When I took the test late last week that proved the baby didn't make it, Scott came home in the middle of the day to get something. For awhile, I didn't tell him but a moment presented itself and I knew he was going upstairs and would probably see it since I left it on the bathroom counter. I told him very matter-of-factly and it felt odd to be holding it all together. I thought I would be ok. Then he came over to me and simply said in his quiet, concerned voice "Are you okay?" and I broke down. I told him that for as relieved as I was on one hand, I was so incredibly sad that one of our children wouldn't be here with us. He just held me and let me cry. I was afraid to go on too long because the kids didn't know and I didn't want them to worry.
Baileigh wanted to celebrate her birthday this weekend and we'd postponed it for many reasons. Her birthday is the end of April but she dances on Saturdays and that time of year picks up with practices for recital so she prefers to wait until after recital (early June) before having a party with her friends. This year, so much went on this summer or friends she wanted to come couldn't at the same time, so finally this weekend worked out. She was upset Saturday because she wanted me to go with them but I wasn't feeling really great. I told her Daddy would have to go and she had a meltdown. I finally told her why I wasn't going and what had happened (by then we knew the pg didn't make it) and she misunderstood. She started to get a smile on her face that she tried to stifle and said "So...you're gonna have a baby?" and I said "No..." and explained it again. The smile faded pretty fast. Baileigh was always vocal about not wanting to have any more brothers or sisters if we said anything. She is the oldest and there is such an age gap that she feels singled out sometimes. It seemed to me that she was rather excited at the thought when it was more of a reality, but I haven't talked any more to her to find out.
This morning, Macie was laying in bed with me - just the two of us. One minute we were talking about her friends and spending the night with my parents and the next minute she throws out "I wish we had another baby". I said "Why would you say that?" She said "I don't know - I just wish we did". I said "If you could pick, would you want Mommy and Daddy to have another baby?" She said "Yes". She hasn't said anything since Jessamy was around 8 months old about us having another baby and it needing to be a girl. I thought she was over it....???
Sunday morning, a friend of mine was performing in the drama after the sermon. She lost a baby about 3 1/2 - 4 months ago and they have 4 children who are Macie's age and younger. I had this strange feeling come over me and I leaned over to Scott and said "I have this feeling that Jenn is pregnant!" We were getting ready to leave when some friends of ours stopped us and as we were standing there talking, Jenn came over and quietly said in my ear "We are pregnant again!" I was SO happy for her because I know the pain of that kind of loss, especially when you are trying for a baby and you want another. Getting pregnant after the loss can be healing in itself. What do you do though when you don't know what you want? It is a tough position to be in because on one hand your heart doesn't want to end on a loss. On the other hand, if you don't know whether you are ready for another baby or if you even really WANT another baby (because Lord knows I am confused right now about whether I do or don't) than what do you do to move on from here? It seems so sad to just go on with life after something like this.
I mentioned last week that I knew why this didn't last. It is because of this ovarian cyst.
I went to an Reproductive Endocrinologist (Dr. Moghadam) the end of June and told him then that I knew I had a cyst on my left ovary. He scanned me and (because he was a haughty, obnoxious, jerk) told me that very few of his patients could EVER feel a cyst smaller than 3 cms (mine was 1 1/2) and that he believed it was a corpus luteum cyst (the cyst that develops after an egg is released). He said he thought I'd start my period in the next day or two. 5 days later, I had breakthrough bleeding. I know it was breakthrough because I didn't start my cycle at day 31 - 35 like I would with my other cycles. It was cd 48 before I started temping and here I sit at day 70 with NO sign of anything. :( My left ovary has been hurting off and on for weeks and with a screwed up cycle, it presents problems.
When I had the u/s over 2 months ago, my endometrial lining wasn't good. I believe he said it was about 3mm. Good endometrial lining is 10-12mm. Yeah. Mine sucked. Of course, I wasn't planning on getting pg and we weren't even TRYING for heaven's sake. Had I known and had I been taking my Progesterone (which would have avoided a cyst AND would have plumped up my lining) I would PROBABLY not be sitting here in this position. First, I might not have gotten pg at all and second, if I HAD gotten pg, this would have done a better job at promoting a more positive outcome. I haven't ordered all my supplements (I've been skipping some) lately because they were so expensive and we needed the money for other things. Yeah. I'm not skipping the Progesterone anymore... :(
I also know that because of this cyst, I'm not starting AF. My temp went WAY up again a few days ago! If this cyst would rupture or if I could have some breakthrough bleeding then I could start Progesterone and I would take it like I usually do to shrink a cyst (use cd 5-25) for 3 months. That would do it. Things aren't going to start when my temp rises like that. This just continues to drag on and on. If it would just be over with - that would be the end of it. I think I finally kind of feel like this is over with. Right now, I still feel like I'm in limbo and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not a good feeling.
It has been difficult too because Scott and I really haven't had any time to talk about this. I will NOT talk about it in front of the kids and I know he needs time to process things. To be honest, I did too. I prayed this situation would make more clear to me, what I was feeling and what I wanted. If anything, I think I feel more confused than I did before.... Are we meant to have another baby? Did God use this situation to try and work on Scott's heart or my own???? I have about a billion questions that may never be answered this side of heaven but I sincerely pray that God will open my eyes and Scott's eyes, to His will for our family and that we can truly embrace it wholeheartedly.
Baileigh's birthday lasted all weekend (Sat and Sun) with kids spending the night, Sunday church and lunch and hanging out at the mall. I'll post about her party separately later but needless to say...I spent all of Saturday cleaning before kids arrived and then while they were gone (and I felt like crap) I continued cleaning. I got a TON of stuff done and I felt better about chilling out today and doing NOTHING! We had to cancel our sitter for Saturday but she is coming THIS Saturday. I'm hoping Scott and I can talk a little bit then about all this. I need to at least lay my heart out there. I think I will save it for when we are on our way home because if I get emotional, I don't want to be out all night looking horrendous and being a total mess... lol It sounds vain but I also want to enjoy our time out and away from everything we've experienced the last few weeks. It has been really hard for me to not feel like I was kind of going through this alone. I know life has been busy and Scott tried to support and help in various ways but emotionally - I have felt more alone than I'd like. I don't know what Scott is thinking, what he is feeling, what he wants for our future...nada. I'm praying that by the end of this week, I have a lot better idea about that.
I'm physically tired but I needed to journal this and get it out. I have a lot to do this week and I knew I probably wouldn't have time. I've been doing laundry all weekend (with more to go) and keeping on top of the cleaning I've already done. I just registered for Flylady.com and decided Wednesday and Sunday nights will be our family pick up day. We will use that to get all our own stuff gone through - whether we put it in piles or have it laying around - we will have to go through it, sort it and organize it/put it away. We have 10 days until our first Mom to Mom meeting this year and I lead that ministry at our church. I have name tags to make, rosters to finish, newsletter articles to write and submit, emails to send and phone calls to make, details to finalize and projects to complete. On top of that, we have our neighborhood garage sale this Saturday and we're dragging out a lot of home decor, kids clothes, toys and furniture (including baby stuff) to get rid of. It is hard to see the baby stuff go but I think I need to let go of it to see how I feel. These are things that can always be bought again down the road but honestly, I just think I need a chance for my subconscious to experience letting go of the dream so that I can finally determine if I will have my questions answered and if so - will I be at peace.....FINALLY or will it bring me heartache? I do know that I am ready to find out.
I'm cleaning out toys from the boys room for the garage sale and I'm doing a major overhaul on their closet again. It isn't horrible but there is a lot to get rid of (clothes, books, etc.) and organizing to do so I'm doing that tomorrow while Wyatt has a friend over to play. Tomorrow night, Baileigh has her first dance class of the season and while I'm gone, Scott agreed to take down the crib. I got pictures of it and will treasure them. All my babies slept in that crib in the last 12 1/2 years. I have decided it is OK to sell the crib and dresser. Even taking it out of the house will be a big step for me. I'm selling the pack 'n play, the highchair, the bouncy seat, the baby swing, the stroller/carseat combo... ALL of it! I'm just praying for God's peace and comfort come Saturday morning when strangers start carting off my memories.
Thursday morning I'm going to help Ginny out for awhile. My parents are taking Macie to this Belgium Horse Show at the fairgrounds, lunch and then back to their house. Baileigh can stay here for awhile and help with Jessamy and do a little school. Ginny is having some bleeding from her cesarean wound and her Dr said she can only hold the baby to nurse her so Steve asked for help from anyone. I volunteered to go help with Little Miss on Thursday. I can take Wyatt and he'll keep Jesse busy (their son). I'm kind of interested to see how I feel about everything then and how I handle it all emotionally. I'm sure Ginny and I will talk alot so I'm sure that will keep my brain a little busy too. It could be very healing for me to have a little person to snuggle. More than anything, when I saw her last week, the whole thing just felt strange...like I didn't know how or what to feel. Of course, I didn't know then for certain WHAT was going to happen. I just knew I was pregnant and the tests weren't too dark. Now that things are concrete - I don't know how that will change things for me. I don't have a foreboding feeling that it will be really bad though... Prayerfully, it will be a welcome respite for my aching heart.
I will say that for now, my goals are simple.
* Focus on my relationship with the Lord and encourage Scott in his relationship with God as
well
* Be diligent about my time with God and my study of Him
* Continue to eat healthy and take my supplements
* Get plenty of sleep at night (not including tonight...lol)
* Continue moving forward with purging and organizing my home
* Continue exercising by walking an hour every day and strength training 3 times a week
I know all these things are an important part of me becoming more emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy if I want to gain any benefit from this situation at all. Right now, I am finding solace, peace and encouragement from Isaiah 55. Isaiah - one of my FAVORITE books of the Bible!!! I love verses 3-5, 10-11 and 13. Verse 13 just reminds me that if the soil in my life and heart is fertile then the seed He sows will bring forth incredible fruit that might not have grown there in times past because of my lack of faith or maturity. I know that no matter what the situation - God's will MUST be done in and through my life because that is what I want and that is what HE wants. All in His perfect time, I will have a testimony from this experience.
1 “Is anyone thirsty?
Come and drink—
even if you have no money!
Come, take your choice of wine or milk—
it’s all free!
2 Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?
Why pay for food that does you no good?
Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.
You will enjoy the finest food.
3 “Come to me with your ears wide open.
Listen, and you will find life.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you.
I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David.
4 See how I used him to display my power among the peoples.
I made him a leader among the nations.
5 You also will command nations you do not know,
and peoples unknown to you will come running to obey,
because I, the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, have made you glorious.”
6 Seek the Lord while you can find him.
Call on him now while he is near.
7 Let the wicked change their ways
and banish the very thought of doing wrong.
Let them turn to the Lord that he may have mercy on them.
Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously.
8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
10 “The rain and snow come down from the heavens
and stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
producing seed for the farmer
and bread for the hungry.
11 It is the same with my word.
I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
12 You will live in joy and peace.
The mountains and hills will burst into song,
and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
13 Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.
These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name;
they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”
I desperately covet your thoughts. If and when you think of me in the coming days will you pray for me? Please pray that God's will be done in my life and in Scott's as we seek the Lord's guidance and direction. Pray that the seeds God sows will be watered and tended to bring about the fruit He desires in our lives. Ask the Lord to heal my body, to allow my cycle to start so that I can begin taking my Progesterone cream for the majority of my cycle in order to help shrink this cyst and get back on track again. Finally, pray that God will bring peace and comfort into my heart and incredible clarity into my head so that I will know beyond ALL doubt, what God's desires are for my life and where it is that He wants me to go. More than anything else - I want to be at peace with God's plan. You cannot have true peace when your mind is spinning and there is confusion about the future.
Thank you so much girls, for your words of wisdom, comfort, peace, love and kindness. It has ministered to my grieving heart in a way I cannot express. I love you all for compassion and for being such a wonderful friend to me. For those I don't know face to face, I pray that one day God gives me the opportunity to meet you. If not this side of heaven, perhaps the other. ~*~
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